Watching social media more or less incessantly as I have been over the last few days – instead of working or feeding my children or acknowledging brief but important everyday moments of physical affection from my partner – I’ve seen, as you surely have, that everyone is furious about a thing. This thing really has got goats and stuck in craws in every corner of the globe. It’s been trending for days and hardly anyone’s feed is free of comment on the subject. Politicians and celebrities have weighed in with their opinions, and seventy-four badly-realised parody accounts based on this thing were registered by midnight Pacific Time last night.
But ask yourself this: why? Why are they furious about this thing when there is another thing that I believe they should be much more furious about? The thing that I believe they should be furious about is so much more important and impressive than the thing that they are actually furious about. And that makes me furious. Because the fact that they are furious at all demonstrates that they have the capacity within themselves to be furious. So why – I repeat: why – aren’t they furious about the thing I think they should be?
You see, the thing that I’m furious about can demonstrably be shown to affect more people in a more fundamental way than the one that they’re furious about. And that completely negates anyone’s right to react angrily to any other subject than the one I’m talking about. We cannot as a civilisation – dammit, as a species – allow ourselves to react furiously to anything at all if we haven’t first publicly reacted with the correct degree of furiousness to all of the things that are more important. We must order our fury. I believe that for the avoidance of doubt, the UN should draw up a comprehensive list of fury-inducing subjects in absolute order of importance. And I think they should ask me to head that up. And thereafter, any comment made by anyone on any topic whatsoever, if it is critical or furious, satirical or withering in nature, must be preceded by comments about all the other more important topics in order.
I think this is only decent and right.
But until that time, whenever fury is demonstrated on subjects that aren’t important enough,I shall just have to wearily make my opinions known on social media in such a way that everyone knows that what I’m talking about is the most important thing and then come to the realisation that they are worthless boobs and I am best.